Belly up for a pint full of frothy college football
We attack this weekend's slate of college football games in the key of beer (enjoy!):
No. 1 LSU at No. 17 Kentucky: Delirium Tremens
A Belgian high gravity ale: It's exciting at the onset, with a high initial intoxication level. The No. 1 team in the country plays on the road in a possible trap game following the delirious highs of a home comeback win against Florida. Andre' Woodson, the best quarterback in the SEC, goes up against a defense whose few, tiny holes were exposed by the Florida offense last year. Like the first time you try a high-alcohol Belgian beer, the taste of the game initially will be overwhelming, with Kentucky keeping it close and playing a clever shell game on offense: draws to Rafael Little, short routes in space to the gifted Wildcats wideouts and enough points to keep the drama.
Yet the intensity will fade as LSU does what it did against Florida, pounding the 'Cats into submission with Jacob Hester up the middle against a Kentucky defensive front that simply cannot hold up. Like a glass of the intense Delirium Tremens, you'll probably have had enough before you get to the bottom. With LSU up late in the third by two touchdowns, you'll change the channel and leave a bit in the glass. The pick: LSU.
No. 4 Boston College at Notre Dame: St. Peter's India Pale Ale
Tons and tons of hops equals bitter and expensive, like both schools in this matchup. Whatever happens in this game, know this: The Irish, even in a year of ignominy, are encouraging fans not to storm the field because this would be "showing them a sense of respect that they don't deserve," according to the student newspaper, The Observer.
Notre Dame is coming off its first victory of the season (against an insanely inconsistent UCLA team), but the flame point for this team is its secondary -- an atrocity for coach Charlie Weis during his first two seasons that has performed deceptively well this season. Notre Dame is ranked fourth in the country in pass defense. They've also only faced one quarterback of merit in Purdue's Curtis Painter, who can't hold Matt Ryan's clipboard, along with Michigan freshman Ryan Mallett and Michigan State's Brian Hoyer, who had only 11 completions against the Irish but still threw four touchdowns.
Add the threat of Ryan's backfield counterpart, running back Andre Callender, and a flexing BC defense, and it's looking downright hoppy for Notre Dame's Saturday cocktail. The pick: Boston College.
Texas A&M at Texas Tech: Miller High Life
These are two unranked teams, sure, but like the champagne of beers, the proportion of entertainment value to price can't be beat. Texas Tech is one bad defensive series away from being undefeated and is averaging a meager 52.5 points a game.
The Aggies are staggering, with a scandalized coach, a star running back mysteriously written out of big game plans and a desperate desire for anything resembling hope. The rag-armed Kyle Wright looked like Graham Harrell against the Aggies' secondary; the real Harrell, second-most efficient quarterback in the known universe, should look like he is throwing pass skeleton drills facing a 75th-ranked pass defense.
Again, you won't catch much buzz from it, but it will go down smooth and not cost you too much in terms of emotional investment ... because Texas Tech is going to level Franchione Manor with 70 points worth of raw, explosive offense. The math could get difficult late in the fourth quarter when the scorekeepers run out of room on the scoreboard. Also, like Miller High Life, points in this game can be consumed in large doses with little to no effect on the viewer. The pick: Texas Tech.
No. 11 Missouri at No. 6 Oklahoma: Kingfisher
Ah, so intriguing, since Missouri, like India's tasty and exotic brew, comes wrapped in intrigue and foreign mystery. Is this the team that refuses to pull a late-season collapse through the brunt of the Big 12 schedule as Gary Pinkel's teams are wont to do? Will its tasty brew of points, points and more points dealt by the spectacular Chase Daniel hold up as it is transported many miles to Norman, Okla., where a raging Sooners team seems bent on destroying the rest of its slate following a fluky upset at Colorado? Will the tasty import you ordered online stand up to the rigors of the road, or will its delicate flavors collapse from the rude jostling of the Oklahoma defense?
The pivotal factor might not be the Sooners' 10th-ranked scoring defense. It might be the haphazard Missouri defense, which must hold together not for an entire game, but only long enough to get a stop or two and keep Demarco Murray off the field. OU's offense begins on the ground, and Missouri has done a respectable job in that department, allowing 141.8 yards per game on the ground. It's always a gamble with the foreign brews -- we're betting that, per tradition, Pinkel's team begins to shatter in transit. The pick: Oklahoma.
No. 22 Auburn at Arkansas: Dixie Blackened Voodoo Lager
A burly, dark and uncompromising brew of ingredients makes for a formidable and unpredictable slugfest of a beer. It's a perfect accompaniment for Auburn at Arkansas, a perpetually unpredictable game featuring two run-first offenses with punishing backs and offensive coordinators who, at times, might prefer to eschew the forward pass altogether.
Auburn resurrected itself following a disastrous start to the season, but in true, maddening Tommy Tuberville fashion the team should struggle against Arkansas. Arkansas incapacitated Auburn last year at home, running wild with Darren McFadden and Felix Jones in one of the year's early stunners and lighting the fuse for the Razorbacks' run to the SEC championship game. Houston Nutt's teams play Neanderthal football, the perfect tack against a team like Auburn, which relies on disrupting opponents' offenses and using offensive coordinator Al Borges' endless play-action feints and rollouts to distract defenders and open up space for the receivers.
Arkansas, carrying the club torch as the SEC's resident cavemen, will have none of this. Like Dixie Blackened Voodoo, the taste of its brand of football has one flavor: Punch to the face. Auburn has Florida's number, Arkansas has Auburn's number, and so on and so on throughout the conference. Welcome to the SEC. The pick: Arkansas.
Florida State at Wake Forest: Old Milwaukee (tall boy)
Remember when your uncle came and stayed with you for a few days last year around Thanksgiving? He brought his own beer because that's just the kind of thing he does, in addition to having a vaguely defined job "you know, just ... workin'." And his beer would be Old Milwaukee tall boys, which you wouldn't touch normally because they're cheaper than bottled water in most states and, well, your sketchy uncle drinks it.
In a desperate pinch one Saturday, you had one ... and, man, it wasn't half bad. Of course, that was last year and you were watching the epic collapse of the Jeff Bowden regime as Florida State lost to Wake at home 30-0. It's a reminder that the 2007 season, while indubitably strange, is just slightly more strange than other years.
And sure, like Wake Forest's luck-kissed run to the ACC title last year, the Old Milwaukee tasted just fine last year. But it has been sitting in the fridge the whole time, lurking, getting further and further past its expiration date, just waiting to ambush your taste buds with its skunky vengeance. Similarly, Florida State has been waiting this whole time to avenge last year's humiliation and the subsequent coaching staff slaughter that followed.
Yet ... the game is at Wake. Both teams have stout run defenses, allowing a combined 182.8 yards, so the quarterbacks will be forced to move the offenses Thursday night. And with Wake throwing bizarro zone-blitzes at Xavier Lee, anything could happen ... because Lee, in his fourth year, still can't read defenses -- hence Jimbo Fisher's use of him in spread packages where he can use his legs and make easy reads against the D.
If you consume this game, remember that like ancient Old Milwaukee, it will be filled with spoiled errors and mistakes no matter what happens. Florida State should avenge last year's nadir shutout ... but this is 2007. The pick: Florida State.
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